Ben Schwartz
Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers
Comedy Writer
http://twitter.com/rejectedjokes
http://www.rejectedjokes.com
9435 followers
404 tweets
rejectedjokes
Dilbert's life has been awful since the recession. He cant even hang himself by his own tie because it curves upwards.
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
Just to be clear, Superman can't have sex, right? I'm assuming that's where the phrase "I'd rip you in half" comes from.
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
Was your father a thief? Because your look and demeanor exhibits a terrible upbringing. #wrongpickuplines
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
Helping Your Dates #1- Going into a date wearing a "You can do better" t-shirt doesn't come across ironic.
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
RT @VSchn31d3r : What it do nephew! Join the I Heart Jean-Ralphio fan club: http://bit.ly/a8FQdo #parksandrec Amazing
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
I wanted Lee Daniels to win so he would smile for the first time.
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
If you would like your movie danced to mail us at John Seymour Middle School "Zesty Feet" Dancers, Shelmon, Idaho!!!
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
I want to see a porno scored by Danny Elfman.
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
@mindykaling we'd have to double check with @wittels , @katiedippold and @kentremendous but I assume JRalphio is based on Roald Dahl.
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
The return of Jean-Ralphio on Parks and Rec. I love this show deeply- http://tinyurl.com/ralphio2
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
How do these Cadbury birds not die of diabetes before they lay these delicious eggs?
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
Tonight, 8:30PM, NBC- the return of Jean-Ralphio on Parks and Rec. Watch this to catch up- http://tinyurl.com/jralphio
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
For a limited time, when you google image search "crystal bowersox teeth" my photo comes up. I have never been so proud.
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
I'm almost certain nobody spells it KAYiss, so why don't you change your stupid jewelry commercial.
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
In this ep. of ESPN's Mayne Street, Kenny Mayne pisses off Evan Mintz(me) and Mike Greenberg- http://tinyurl.com/ycnva3d
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
The radio in Los Angeles is like an Ipod Shuffle that only has five songs on it.
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
By putting a pipe in a snowman's mouth, we are basically tempting them to kill themselves.
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
Just because you are schizophrenic doesn't mean you are "eating for two." Stop with the excuses and go on a diet.
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
Gatorade dropped Tiger Woods' sponsorship deal. Now how will he get the proper electrolytes to bone random women?
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
Unprepared writer in a meeting- How about we remake the movie Karate Kid...but...with...dogs. http://tinyurl.com/c5hh5e
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
I'm starting to skywrite my tweets so the Amish can enjoy them as well. In other news...I'm broke.
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
We're saved- @ConanOBrien is officially on twitter!
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
The real winner on American Idol last night was Crystal Bowersox's Crest Whitestrips!
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
Seems like Olympic Curling would be the easiest game to make for the Wii. Get your shit together Nintendo.
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
Man1-What's it going to take to get you in one of our new hot air balloons today. Man2-A time machine. Man1- Just leave.
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
