Ben Schwartz
Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers
Bill Hoyt on UnderCovers, Jean-Ralphio on Parks and Rec, Performer at the UCB Theatre.
Comedy Writer
http://twitter.com/rejectedjokes
http://www.RejectedJokes.com
13260 followers
574 tweets
rejectedjokes
Cause of Death: Dehydration, malnutrition. Instead of eating he just chose to bang on that drum all day. Now he's dead.
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
I'm making an independent film about Big Bird not being able to fly. It's called Grounded.
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
Peep World, with me @rainnwilson @sarahksilverman & Mike C Hall has a gala premiere at TIFF- http://tinyurl.com/2a9kmmt
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
An analysis of Inception that will make your brain weep tears of resolve, confusion and joy- http://tinyurl.com/2bj88lt
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
No Shitty Jobs show tonight. We'll be back to the normal schedule Aug. 4th for Cagematch and Aug. 8th for Sunday shows.
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
Someone was just stabbed by a pen at Comic Con. Strangely, the 500 Batmans in attendance could not catch the criminal.
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
Someone was just stabbed by a pen at Comic Con. Three different studios are already battling for the movie rights.
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
Someone was just stabbed by a pen at Comic Con. To be fair, he wielded it like a light saber.
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
I just saw Glass Joe in a gun shop. Dude was a mess.
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
Is it illegal to own a parakeet after you graduate elementary school?
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
For the 2nd year in a row I by mistake went to COMET-Con. I'm the only Yoda in a room of kids dressed as Halley's Comet.
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
I was shocked Inception didn't end with Matthew Fox's eyes opening.
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
Buying a box of Tufitti Cuties as an adult is just as embarrassing as buying a box of condoms as a kid.
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
Every time I pay at Whole Foods, I feel like I'm being robbed by the most polite/healthiest person I've ever met.
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
My 3D contacts finally arrived! In other news, I now have vertigo.
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
I dreamt I saw Inception.
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
Apple to give free iPhone 4 cases made from old Microsoft Zune parts.
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
After years of being pranked, I've acquired a taste for the delicious springy snakes that pop out of prank peanut cans.
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
Mel Gibson- "Take my wife. Please!" Nobody laughs. Mel- "Fuck you. You are all worthless idiots!"
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
The TV show Louie is amazing.
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
Just saw a flower rip off limbs from a human while saying she loves me, she loves me not.
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
BREAKING NEWS- The Miami Heat just signed Michael Phelps to be their water boy. THE HEAT IS BACK! (OK, I'm done)
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
Dear college students, there is only a 2 year span where owning a beer koozie is considered cool. Cherish those years.
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
If commercials are accurate, everyone who eats at The Olive Garden has a loving family and a TERRIBLE sense of humor.
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
BREAKING NEWS! The Miami Heat just signed the Incredible Hulk to play center and the Flash to play point guard.
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
