Ben Schwartz
Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers
Comedy Writer
http://twitter.com/rejectedjokes
http://www.rejectedjokes.com
9591 followers
417 tweets
rejectedjokes
Santa doesn't come down the chimney. Parents just say that so kids don't question why he always smells like smoke.
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
NO! SLEEP! TILL! EARLY EVENING! #firstdraftlyrics
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
On St. Patrick's Day O'Douls hides a little bit of alcohol in every fifth bottle!
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
I just realized that Waldo is homeless.
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
Said "fucking subways" way too soon. #earthquake
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
Due to the earthquake, for the 1st time since I was 5, I have this fear that the boogeyman is waiting outside my door.
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
No magician has ever used the phrase "This is where the magic happens" metaphorically.
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
"Well then don't call it EASTER ISLAND!!!" said the man who returned with no chocolate or bunnies.
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
Heres the amazing full lineup from Night of #140tweets http://tinyurl.com/yfklwag We're still looking for our next gig.
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
Saw a 4 year old kid fly a kite this morning. Was unbelievably cute until I realized the kite had a swastika on it.
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
As @WinstonChurchil l said, You want to change the world? Get naked, cup your balls and reference @alyankovic #140tweets
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
May just RT this for #140tweets- RT@iamdiddy Congrats to my man Rich on his 10th anniversary for his Barbershop. http://twitpic.com/18809s
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
Will be doing a tight 15 seconds at Night of #140tweets tonight! Sorry LinkedIn Show at Phil's Chuckle Den.
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
If everyone hung Dreamcatchers above their beds, Freddy Krueger would be powerless.
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
American Idol contestants, look on the balcony...are your parents there? You're in trouble.
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
Dilbert's life has been awful since the recession. He cant even hang himself by his own tie because it curves upwards.
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
Just to be clear, Superman can't have sex, right? I'm assuming that's where the phrase "I'd rip you in half" comes from.
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
Was your father a thief? Because your look and demeanor exhibits a terrible upbringing. #wrongpickuplines
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
Helping Your Dates #1- Going into a date wearing a "You can do better" t-shirt doesn't come across ironic.
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
RT @VSchn31d3r : What it do nephew! Join the I Heart Jean-Ralphio fan club: http://bit.ly/a8FQdo #parksandrec Amazing
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
I wanted Lee Daniels to win so he would smile for the first time.
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
If you would like your movie danced to mail us at John Seymour Middle School "Zesty Feet" Dancers, Shelmon, Idaho!!!
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
I want to see a porno scored by Danny Elfman.
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
@mindykaling we'd have to double check with @wittels , @katiedippold and @kentremendous but I assume JRalphio is based on Roald Dahl.
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
rejectedjokes
The return of Jean-Ralphio on Parks and Rec. I love this show deeply- http://tinyurl.com/ralphio2
by Ben Schwartz, Freelance writer for Weekend Update, creator of Bronx World Travellers, Comedy Writer
