Joe Schmitt
Shorty Awards Runner-up for humor
the second T is silent
Web Comedian
http://twitter.com/joeschmitt
http://joeschmitt.tumblr.com/post/143209840/joeschmitt
6148 followers
8625 tweets
joeschmitt
Project Runway is 90 minutes this season. Let's hope it's NOT 30 more minutes of Heidi Klum reading the rules.
joeschmitt
The World's Largest Collection of Female Masturbation Synonyms - @northpacific sent me this list when I asked... http://tumblr.com/xa4ei6plq
joeschmitt
For my meeting I went with "getting a stain out of my carpet" for female masturbation. Thanks for all the suggestions.
joeschmitt
I need some euphemisms for female masturbation. Help me out: http://tumblr.com/xa4ehbfyh
joeschmitt
The day before Amanda Bynes retired, she was shot at, shot out Joe Pesci's tires, and declared, "I'm getting too old for this shit."
joeschmitt
My pick for Tweet of the Day, from @almostfancy : http://favstar.fm/users/almostfancy/status/19773682411
joeschmitt
Blagojevich verdict is in. Jury foreman:
"Guilty.
Guilty.
Guilty.
Guilty.
Guilty.
Guilty.
And he's an idiot."
#iwish
joeschmitt
Photo: @girldetective , you should be following her on Twitter and Tumblr. So says me. http://tumblr.com/xa4eccsdk
joeschmitt
Photo: Blagojevich brought his daughter to the trial yesterday, to try to get the jury to see that sending... http://tumblr.com/xa4ec3y25
joeschmitt
Amanda Bynes tweeted she has "unretired". The Packers front office says they are still "moving on with Aaron Rodgers".
joeschmitt
Video: This week’s Breaking The News. Even our director, Jason, gets in on the act. http://tumblr.com/xa4ea2pxc
joeschmitt
I can't wait until Blagojevich goes to jail. And then I can go back to having the best hair in Chicago.
joeschmitt
Use TrueTwit Validation if you must, but I take those auto-DMs as being told "maybe you don't really want to follow me." And then unfollow.
joeschmitt
Grammarians! Help me settle this debate: http://tumblr.com/xa4e9iykw
joeschmitt
My two cents: BP should hire that pigeon from the Kings of Leon show
joeschmitt
Foursquare: for the status updates so boring even you won't tweet them.
joeschmitt
The only way True Blood makes sense any more is if it turns out Sookie has been in the Matrix this whole time.
joeschmitt
Thinking about skipping True Blood for Mad Men tonight because at least Don Draper won't pull some new magical power out of his ass.
joeschmitt
The Bible isn't literal truth. Personal experience tells me Noah's wife never would've allowed two of each spider on board the Ark.
joeschmitt
"Paper! Damn! Paper ALWAYS covers me." - Dwayne Johnson http://tumblr.com/xa4dulsyr
joeschmitt
I'm not a selfish person, but I just feel that all of my closest friends should live in Chicago forever.
joeschmitt
Damn! Ms. Overshare Loudvoice got off the bus. Now I'll never know if her boyfriend folded the laundry. Please come back!
joeschmitt
Remember when the GOP embraced Sarah Palin for her silver tongue, sound logic and command of facts? Well, the joke's on them!
joeschmitt
Transformers 3 filming includes gunfire, explosions, but what's missing? http://tumblr.com/xa4ds4ynx (photo by @jinxybee )
joeschmitt
Truth in advertising dictates that most jeans sold should have "Lazy" emblazoned across the ass.
